I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
