The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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