When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
