The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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