i just wanna soil my oats bro
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
