Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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