any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
