I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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