Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
