i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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