they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
