My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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