I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
