I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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