Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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