my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
