He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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