the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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