ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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