my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
3pm strippers are depressing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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