Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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