i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize