I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
