so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
