why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Randomize
