moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
