Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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