I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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