Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
