Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
