I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
