At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
