One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
