Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
