I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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