We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
