I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
