when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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