I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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