Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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