On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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