I cannot find my penis.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
