I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
