I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
