I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
