He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
