just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
