I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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