i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
