If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
