If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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