Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
